Casual or Committed Dating

Seeking relationships these days are more challenging now than ever. Many people live busy lives (i.e. school, work, and family obligations), and for some people, their lives are not conducive to establish a relationship. Consequently, many of those same people choose to date multiple people, or have a few people in their lives to date. Whatever choices people make in their dating lives, the decision should be concise and be clearly defined to everyone involved.

Most people have objectives on what they want to do with their dating lives. Although people fluctuate from dating to relationships, the decision is clear: most people choose to be short-term casual daters or long-term committed daters. If a person chooses to date multiple partners, then that person should be prepared to have short-term, instant gratification when they are dating. Because there is no commitment of a relationship, the person understands that they are “living in the moment”, and over time, both parties could decide to move on.

In contrast, if a person is looking for a potential relationship, then that person should limit the amount of people to date, as they want to find the right match. Sometimes, this may take a person dating more people than they would like to find that person.  In order for the committed dater to develop a relationship, the committed dater is to find the match, so that a healthy, romantic relationship develops.  However, one should be advised that relationships take many sacrifices to become successful to thrive.  

To Committ or Not To Committ to a Relationship

There are times where I wonder what the objectives are of people, who do not value the meaning of a committed relationship. The idea of a committed relationship should consist of a couple to have trust, to have fidelity, and of course, to have love. However, there are some relationships that do not subscribe to commitment. Although some people claim to be in committed relationships, they cannot classify it as such, if there is no commitment.

Recently, I had a conversation with my oldest brother (technically a half-brother), about how he was doing in his life. My brother is in a relationship, and has two children with his girlfriend. Although he is currently unemployed, he is doing fine; while he collects unemployment benefits, his girlfriend has a career working with law enforcement.  However, my brother stated that he feels that he has the freedom to talk to, date, and even be intimate with other women. Before my brother “settled down” he claimed to have been with copious amounts of women, and I have no reason to doubt him. I have met some of his many “girlfriends” in the past during the holidays. My brother claims that because he is not married, he should have the freedom to look and “order off the menu”, as in to date other women. When my brother was a younger man, he dated many women, despite not having the best car, and living in an less-than-appealing apartment complex; although having a career as truck driver at the time, my brother was not living an affluent lifestyle.  However, by brother did have aspirations to have a career in the NBA, and he even played a stint in a NBA Development league for a few years.  My brother used his athletic talents, along with his confidence, swagger, and charisma to date many women.   In fact, my brother always wished he had the opportunity to play in the NBA, and if he had gotten his shot (no pun intended), then he would have had a plethora of women to date.

My brother has his viewpoint of relationships in which I do not agree with. Whether or not my brother actually goes through and dates other women is his decision. However, my argument that I made with him and my main thoughts on this topic is that you should choose to either be in a committed relationship OR choose to date. The problem with relationships is that some people feel that they want to have their cake and eat it too such as my brother. It does not do any justice to hurt the other person by cheating on them. If a person wants to date other people, then that is fine. If a person is not happy in their current relationship, then the pragmatic solution is to either correct the issues in the relationship or to terminate the relationship.

Consequently, the solution to a bad relationship should not EVER be to cheat, because how can a person go back to the person they cheated on, and pretend to still want to be in a committed relationship?  A committed relationship should be just that: committed, and this also applies to open relationships. If two people want to see other people and still date, then that is fine, but it should not be classified as an open relationship. No matter what the situation is, people should always be clear what they want, so no one will get hurt in the future. 

Listen Up!

PhD of psychology, Betty W. Phillips has a website titled; Do You Listen to Your Spouse? She then evaluate the person who answers this title question with a; “sometimes” or “no” to the fact that there marriage may be in trouble. In this post I want talk to you about a number of key principles regarding the listening skill and explain some major functions of listening.

In studying the skill of listening, I discovered that different situations require a specific type of listening. We may listen to obtain information, improve a relationship, gain appreciation for something, make discriminations, or engage in a critical evaluation. While certain skills are basic and necessary for all types of listening (receiving, attending, and understanding), each type requires some special skills. Those special skills present guidelines to improve listening behavior in all situations. Before we can fully appreciate the skills and apply the guidelines, we must understand the different types of listening. There are four different types, which are; are informative, relationships, appreciative, critical and discriminative listening. Informative is more for lecture or instructional listening. Appreciative listening would be normal for enjoyment such as listening to music. Critical listening requires careful judgment about the expertness and trustworthiness of the speaker. Discriminative listening is listening in order to differentiate sounds in the environment and speech sounds. Know which function of listing to use so that you may listen correctly

Relationship-listening is the listening type that most marriages implement. The purpose of relationship-listening is either to help an individual or to improve the relationship between people. Therapeutic listening is a special type of relationship listening. Therapeutic listening brings to mind situations where counselors, medical personnel, or other professionals allow a troubled person to talk through a problem. But it can also be used when you listen to a friend or spouse and allow them to “get things off their chests.” Although relationship-listening requires you to listen for information, the emphasis is on understanding the other person. According to communication experts at Air University there are three behaviors which are key to effective relationship listening; attending, supporting, and empathizing.

While studying the listening skill within marriage, I recalled some interesting information from personal experience. During the seven weeks of completing pre-marital counseling with my wife, we went over a chapter in our book titled “communication”. We were counseled with the supplementary material by H. Norman Wright & Wes Roberts “Before You Say “I Do”. In the chapter on communication, we were requested to give our own definition of listening. I forgot my spoken response, but the book defines it as “complete acceptance without judgment of what is said or how it is said” (Wright, Roberts61) They go further to explain that this is an acceptance that doesn’t necessarily mean agree but rather “understanding that what the other person is saying is something he/she feels” These authors considers the conversations of couples as “dialogues of the deaf” when they are formulating their responses while trying to listen. This is so easy to fall into.  Stop hearing and Listen Up! 

Alder, Ronald. Interplay - the process of communication. 11. New York: Oxford University Press, 2010. Print.

Betty W. Phillips Ph.D., "Do You Listen to Your Spouse?" Psychology. Web. 8 Nov. 2011. http://www.bettyphillipspsychology.com/id22.html.

Wright, H. Norman., and Wes Roberts. Before You Say "I Do" Eugene, OR: Harvest House, 1997. 61+. Print.

Dating to Marry v/s Dating to Date

            Before most men pursue any women in a relationship, their hidden motives and goals are already in place. This is the same for most women as well. This could be good for the other person if they have the same goals in mind.  There are many Great Reasons People Date. Very few people unconsciously engage in one-night-stands or stumble onto the church alter to repeat some vows. The average couples normally have goals in mind before dating. These goals may change as the relationship progress, but they are normally present at the start of a relationship.

            Dating someone with the goal in mind to marry them is called courting. The Courting process involves principles and guidelines which the man and women follow to protect them against sexual temptations and more. Dating someone without the goal to marry them is considered casual dating, or as I call "dating to date". This dating process lacks principles or guidelines for the man and woman to follow. Sexual intimacy is normally permitted. There’s a big difference in the two types of dating relationships.

            It’s important for you to decide on whether you’re dating versus courting. Coming to a mutual understanding and agreement with each other can help decrease many uncertainties. This is important groundwork for your relationship. A clear and concise objective serves well in any new or progressing relationship.

Learning Your Spouse is a lifelong journey

            I believe it’s safe to say “everything in life seems fairly manageable”. Through classes we learn to manage our finances and other things we’re responsible for. We learn how to take care of our pets, our dwelling places and everything else. My question is “how much time do we spend managing and maintaining the relationships with those that we hold closest to our hearts?” Sometimes when we face troubles with our finances, the original issue isn’t that our income is low it may be that we spend too freely on things that we don’t need. My point here is that the problem and the solution begins with us. I know this is a hard pill to swallow, but take the challenge. I’ve been in relationships that have ended due to the other persons neglect, but when I looked back and analyzed the situation I seen errors that were made on my behalf. They may have not been the main issue which caused separation but they definitely contributed to the demise of the relationship.  No one is innocent when it comes to divorce or any other issue or situation that may arise in life.

            I feel that there are things we can work on and know that we are still progressing. There is always room to grow and mature.  At times we may place ourselves in a mental stand-still state which is equivalent to being brain dead. It’s a stubbornness that can cause us to become self-absorbed with no space available to obtain new information for growth. This can be the reason you may find some individuals who live their lives like they know everything there is under the sun and nothing else can be learned or taught to them.  If a person has this mentality in a marriage, they can’t learn their spouse.

            We as humans can never learn everything there is to be learned. In marriage a husband may seek to understand his wife but he can never attain all knowledge concerning his wife. There’s a lack of consistency in all relationships; the way we react at one moment may be drastically different the next time. I found myself placing expectations on my wife because of things that I knew about her, I thought she’d never change but over time I’ve learned that I  have to continue learning her. I have to keep updating my brain to handle new changes that may occur.  

            If you are facing any type of problems in your marriage; whether that’s finances, addictions, cheating, lying, or other issues then there is more to be learned and practiced. Some things that can be vital and recurring are learning and experiencing healing for yourself or learning and experiencing forgiveness for each other.  Every issue or challenge that I have faced in my marriage has been used as an opportunity to learn and grow.  My wife and I are constantly learning how to communicate with one another. We have experienced the feeling of confusion in the way that we communicate verbally and nonverbally with each other. The learning process begins here. It can be quite frustrating at times, but just as we take time with working out the frustrations of learning our favorite hobbies, we should continue learning our spouse.

The Meaning of Relationships

The meaning of relationships does not have the same stigma these days. On average, relationships last about five years, and marriages last slightly longer of about 7 years. The reason could be that either people have more options of who to date, people are more technologically savvy in the digital age, or it could be a combination of both. One thing is certain: the meaning of relationships has all but been redefined in our culture.

Relationships have lost value over the past 30 years. What relationships should be based on are trust, compromise, intimacy, and fidelity. Whatever issues that do occur in relationships should be worked out and resolved as soon as possible. Although relationships are not always perfect, an imperfect relationship can function perfectly when the couple invests time to make the relationship work. However, there are people who opt not to invest time in developing a healthy relationship. In other words, many people get into relationships (and get married for that matter), for the wrong reasons (i.e. sex, money, popularity, and pressure from family or friends). Consequently, those relationships do not last for very long. Many people get into relationships to fulfill specific needs at the time. For instance, a man may get into a relationship with a woman not necessarily because he loves the woman, but because a man feels he has the obligation to be with a woman that he’s not necessarily really attracted to. Moreover, a woman also may feel the obligation to date and get into a relationship with a man because she is lonely, she wants some attention, or perhaps, she wants to prevent other women from “stealing” her man, if he’s financially stable. One thing that is common in both instances is that the relationship is not based on the values that identify a healthy relationship. Communication is critical in these situations because if the intent of both persons in the couple is not congruent, then there is a chance that one person could be hurt in the future.

In this present day, the concept of a relationship has become redefined.  Some people subscribe to the idea of a relationship based on being with someone for an extended period of time that doesn’t lead to marriage. Although some relationships do turn into marriages, most of them last about as long as a good t.v. sitcom. The similarity is that when a relationship is over, it is classified as having a “good run” as a sitcom. In other words, when the dust settles and two people want a change, they choose to move on. These types of relationships are more common with younger people who are in their adolescent and early adulthood years. The trend leads to relationships established in high school and in college to last until one or both people in the relationship graduate (especially in high school). In addition, when a couple is young, then there is a strong possibility that one or both persons commit infidelity (aka. “cheating”) in the relationship. Despite the condemnation of infidelity, many people understand that some people just need more options. If that is the case, then it is more convenient to date rather than commit to a relationship that a person might not be ready for.

Dating Essentials for a Man

The world of dating can be a great experience, or it can be a daunting task for a man. The process of dating is tough, because it is about a man finding the right match for him. For a man, this leads to his prospecting many women candidates that attracts him (i.e. looks, personality, and common interests and hobbies). For a woman, she ultimately decides if she wants to date the man, if she has the same interest as well. When a man does succeed in getting a date, he should make sure to practice proper date etiquette; his mind should be focused on the date, and not on other distractions, such as a cell phone. He should engage in the conversation, and make the date fun and worthwhile for the woman.

                Although the process of achieving the goal of acquiring a date is at times challenging, men have the opportunity to learn the essential keys to dating. This means that a man should have the confidence to approach a woman, to start a light conversation, to close the conversation with her contact information, and to not worry about rejection.  It is natural to be shy, and I am not going to chide away from that. As a man, I too have struggles with approaching women, and like most men, being rejected hurts. However, a man should realize, (with myself included), that with great risks come great rewards, and that is the mindset a man should have in dating.