To express how we view marriages, relationships, and dating from a practical point of view. Also expressing how women and men view relationships from their respective gender views.
Interracial relationships and marriages
are a wonderful experience for anyone, who is compatible with someone of
another ethnicity. It reflects how society has evolved to not only accept
interracial relationships and marriages, but also accept interracial
relationships and marriages as the norm. In other words, interracial couples
happen more frequently in spite of the ethnical and cultural differences.
However, as much as interracial relationships and marriages can be worthwhile, they
can also present some challenges. It is how people handle those challenges that
will either make or break those relationships.
There are many challenges that arise
from interracial relationships and marriages, which most people know about, and
some that many have not ever really considered. In terms of interracial relationships, Blake
Campbell lists some of the problems, as well as some of the solutions of those
problems in interracial relationships. Some of the issues in the article deal
with embracing
others' cultures, family acceptance, respect for each other, handling racism,
and raising mixed race children.Campbell wants people to know that although interracial relationships
can be challenging, they can work well, if people overcome those challenges. Furthermore, interracial marriages can be just as challenging, if not more challenging than interracial relationships. Jennica Gray states that interracial marriages can have problems ranging from gender roles, family dynamics, to even eating habits. She states that couples can have challenges of how they view things because of the different cultural backgrounds. Couples can compromise on any given issue to make their relationships successful. (Here is a video on a woman dealing with an interracial relationship
(The video below describes interracial relationships).
On this week of Q&A each other, Eric ask me some questions about an article I wrote this weekEric: In your full post for this week you
shared some interesting things on the topic of interracial dating. Along with
movements to end segregation, what other major things you feel played a part with interracial dating
becoming more accepted?
Ramses: My thoughts on other major things
that contributed to interracial dating becoming more accepted is the changing
times, along with interracial dating being portrayed as more positive in the
media. Essentially, interracial relationships are not so much of a taboo today,
as it was a few decades ago. If I see an interracial couple, I all but do not
see the couple as such, but just as a couple. People make their own choices of
who they like; they base their decisions not on ethnicity, but base their decisions
on whoever they are compatible with. The main thing to understand is that
dating and relationships has no color lines, and dating and relationships are
more worthwhile when people have options of who they want to be compatible
with.
Eric: You touched on this a bit, but just
to give deeper insight, what do you feel are some of the common problems
associated with interracial dating and what are the solutions, (if any)? Is
there a way a person should prepare if their plan is to be with someone of
another ethnicity.
Ramses: Well, Eric, one of the main problems
with interracial dating and relationships is that there are some people who do
not want to accept change. Some people feel that people should ONLY
DATE within their own ethnicities.I ran across a website that listed the 7
common issues with interracial relationships.It is clear that anyone who chooses to have
an interracial relationship will have problems from their friends, their
families, and society in general. In other words, some interracial couples will
get unpleasant looks, and/or will get some snide remarks from others who are
not in favor of their relationships. The solution is that people should just
accept the change that there are more interracial relationships more now than
ever, and interracial couples should not worry about what other think of
them.Interracial couples should prepare
for some people to not accept their relationship, but know that no matter what
others say, as long as they love each other unconditionally, then it will not
matter what others say or think about them.
There
has been more acceptance of interracial dating today, than there were about
50-100 years ago. More people these days have the option of dating “outside of
their races”.Furthermore, there are
more people that are increasingly committing to interracial relationships,
interracial marriages and interracial families. In other words, interracial
relationships are the norm, rather than the exception to relationships. While
some people accept interracial dating, relationships, and marriage, there are
others who do not want to accept the change of people dating outside their own
race.
The
late, great Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. stated in his “I have a dream speech”
that his children “won’t be judged by the color of his skin, but by the content
of their character.” However, Martin Luther King’s speech expanded beyond his
children; it included mankind. In other words, Martin Luther King wanted
everyone to love, care, cherish, and accept each other, and not be judgmental
of a person’s ethnicity, creed, and sexual orientation. However, there are
people who either have not accepted interracial dating, or still haven’t
accepted it. There are many people, the so-called racists who subscribe to the
idea that one should ONLY DATE within their ethnic groups
(i.e. African-American men and women should only date each other; Latino men
should only date Latina women, and so on). Around 200 years ago to about the mid-1960s
in the U.S., the thought of miscegenation was not only unheard of, but it was
also illegal, especially targeted at the African-American free and enslaved men
who had interest in dating white women. Ironically and unfortunately, many of
the white slave owners either raped or coerced the black slave women to have sex
with them, therefore producing mulatto and illegitimate children (interesting
enough, this type of interracial breeding produced some prominent
African-American leaders such as Frederick Douglass and Booker T. Washington).
It is at this time in U.S. history where the white woman was valued as a
treasure, a commodity, and no other men of other races were allowed to even look
or compliment a white woman, much more date and marry one. However, after the
abolition of slavery, followed by many decades of turmoil (especially in the
Southern States of the U.S.) culminating with the Civil Rights Movement, some
people’s perception of interracial dating started to change. It took some
decades later before more people started to accept the notion that a man (and a
woman) can date outside of their race, without much condemnation from others.
Although
interracial dating is more accepted today, some people still feel that it is
not the norm. This can be either because they do know enough about other
ethnicities, or perhaps because some of those people’s families haven’t
accepted it, so they advise against interracial dating. I can remember growing
up, my father would advise against me and my (middle) brother from dating
outside out race, in particular a white women. My father grew up in the 1950s
and 1960s at the height of racial discrimination, and the Civil Rights
Movement. Although my father has
simmered down considerably on his original stance on condemning me from dating
a white woman (or any other non African-American woman for that matter), I
sometimes worry about what their reaction would be, if I decided to bring a
woman home to meet my family, if she wasn’t a black woman. My sisters often
told me that no matter what type of women you date or establish a relationship
with, you will never relate to a woman more than a black woman.Although that may be valid in some instances
(i.e. relating to racism, racial profiling, or having to prove our worth
because of our race), I find that you can relate to a woman, no matter what her
ethnicity is. I don’t really look at the ethnicity of a woman as a determining
factor of my interest. I look at a woman for her intellect, beauty, and
character. The last thing I would want to do is to not want to date a woman
because she is not black, and if I can accept her for who she is, then everyone
else, including my family should accept her as well. Here is a video that I
found on the subject of interracial dating:
Sex plays an important role in having intimacy. At the same time, sex isn't the foundation of a striving and healthy relationship. Let me ask a question; on a scale of 1-10, how important is sex in marriage? In this blog I want to share with you some good reasons to make sex a priority in your marriage. Many married people have minimal sexual intimacy with their spouse. Few even take it to the extreme of not having sex until ready to reproduce. Web MD shares
10 Surprising Health Benefits of Sex. These benefits can be psychologically and physically profiting. One benefit I thought was interesting and funny; "sex can help people achieve weight loss since about 200 calories are burned during 30 minutes of active sex." check out this video which discuss other benifits.
Imagine What would marriage be like if sex wasn’t a sacred and enjoyment to your marriage? Divorce rates would probably increase. Dr. William H. Doherty, a noted marriage scholar and therapist shares his study on "How common is divorce and what are the reasons." in this elaborate study you can find other major reasons divorce transpire. The risk of a divorce is much higher in a marriage with sex problems. Recent studies reveal that 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their relationship. Approximately 11% caught or admitted cheating. Some reasons of these affairs stemmed from dissatisfaction during sexual experience with their spouses. It's important to understanding how sex plays a great role in your life, physically, mentally and emotionally. Sexless marriage is a common situation and it can be caused by a variety of things including emotional scars, bad experiences, boredom, laziness, or health problems. Undergo recovery and place sex back in it's rightful place.
According to statistics, sex outside marriage does people emotional, physical and financial harm to some capacity. When you think about sex, what comes to mind? If marriage refused to enter your thought patterns, i’m here to encourage a new way of thinking about and participating in sex. In this blog, I want to share with you the functional nature of sex, and good reasons why we should wait until marriage to engage.
I participated in a behavioral science research at University of Illinois at Chicago (UIC) where we measured a hormone called “oxytocin”. Oxytocin is the hormone responsible for inducing our ability to bond with others. This is relative to why sexual addictions occur. There are few things that occur during sexual intercourse. Women who were currently involved in a committed relationship experienced greater oxytocin increases in response to positive emotions than single women. This affects self-worth and esteem which have been linked to many suicide cases. Researchers examined government data obtained in surveys of 6,500 youth ages 14 to 17, and found that more than 25 percent of sexually active girls said they were depressed "a lot of the time" or "most or all of the time.”
Sex is meant for long-term relationship-satisfaction and commitment. In the Bible, 1st Corithians 6:16-18 16 Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” Being joined in a relationship by way of soul ties can be difficult to escape even if you are being abused, manipulated or mistreated in any way. Again, oxytocin is the hormone responsible for human pair attachment. This clip below shares more about the benefits of waiting until marriage to have sex.
Not only this, but outside of marriage, accounts for many diseases, abortions and funerals. In 2005 (the most recent year for which there is reliable data), approximately 1.21 million abortions took place in the U.S., down from an estimated 1.29 million in 2002, 1.31 million in 2000 and 1.36 million in 1996. From 1973 through 2005, more than 45 million legal abortions have occurred in America. Average amount paid for each procedure was $413. At least 80% of all abortions are performed on unmarried women (CDC).
There are great benefits to having sex (the highest level of physical intimacy) in marriage (the highest level of human relationship).Understand that a relationship built on sex is more likely to end in devastation.Besides financial pains, sex before marriage are related to an increase in divorce rates. Waiting until marriage teaches us patience and self-control. Waiting helps us to see where the value of our relationship exists. Waiting also enables us to fulfill God’s purpose, nature and design for sex. After recognizing how participating in sex (outside of marriage) play a role in our life, mentally, emotionally and financially, what can we to do about it? We can continue abusing ourselves and our world or we can make up our minds and say, “today I’m going to stop.”
Both I and Eric have written some great articles in our From Relationships,
Marriages, to Divorces blogs. However, we have been so busy writing
articles for others, that we haven’t discussed what we think of each other
articles. Well, in our new weekly features, we’ll respond and ask questions to
each other, on some of the content that we posted in our blogs. One person will
ask and the other will respond, and this pattern will alternate each week.
Ramses: Eric, in your article, Listen
Up! you stated that one of the four types of listening was
relationship-listening. In addition, you indicated a sub-category, therapeutic listening,
or in your words "a special type of listening". Do you feel that this
type of listening benefits men or women more?
Eric: That is an excellent question. I think therapeutic listening
benefits both men and women equally; they both receive empathy and support,
which isn't gender-specific. Now in terms of amount of usage, I believe that
women can benefit more from therapeutic listening, so that they can understand
men better.
Ramses: My take is that in most relationships, women talk at least
50% more than a man, and the man usually does 50% more of the listening. In
other words, you state that therapeutic listening allows a spouse to "'get
things off their chest'", with "the emphasis on understanding the
other person", but how do you think more women can apply that when they
listen to a man without cutting them off in mid-sentence and possibly leading
to an argument? (Feel free to state things linking to your other articles to
emphasize your points).
Eric: I believe that more women can apply therapeutic listening, by
focusing more on what men say, rather than by interrupting the men, when they
conjure up a response before the men finish their statement(s).
Moreover, the men should also allow women to express themselves without
interruption as well. Any spouse will cut the other off, when they are
listening critically instead of listening therapeutically.
After reading a relationship expert’s blog, I put it together that top marriage relationship failures are sometimes linked to spouse’s personal history and experiences. Being faithfully committed involves has two major parts, preparation and practice. Everyone wants to be in a relationship but involves themselves in little or no self-preparation and hence no practice.
Preparation takes place before the undergoing of that new marriage relationship. This means taking the time to fix yourself of the things which may bother you if your spouse had that issue. These are known as character red flags. They serve as notice to avoid a possibly failing relationship. Whatever values or expectations we have for a good spouse should reflect in how we prepare before meeting him/her. At the end of the post you will see how preparing beforehand helped me a lot. Not to prepare with extraordinarily high expectations he/she may have for you. I’m thinking more along the lines, honest, integrity, faithful, ambitious, patient.
I had to prepare myself mentally, physically and spiritually for my wife. Mentally I had to be trained on how to direct all my love and affection to my wife. Sense I had old connections via Facebook with some ex’s; I had to delete my page. This may sound unnecessary but this is what influenced my mind and redirected my passions to my wife. Now I have no chance to contemplate entertaining conversation with any other women of my wild history. Physically I prepared by removing myself from places and not doing certain things that didn’t suggest a smooth process into a healthy marriage life. Spiritually I prepared by involving myself in a closer relationship with God. Had I not prepared, my wife tells me today, “Eric, I probably wouldn’t have noticed you as a candidate to date nor marry”.
Seeking relationships these days are more challenging
now than ever. Many people live busy lives (i.e. school, work, and family obligations),
and for some people, their lives are not conducive to establish a relationship.
Consequently, many of those same people choose to date multiple people, or have
a few people in their lives to date. Whatever choices people make in their
dating lives, the decision should be concise and be clearly defined to everyone
involved.
Most people have objectives on what they want to do with
their dating lives. Although people fluctuate from dating to relationships, the
decision is clear: most people choose to be short-term
casual daters or long-term committed daters. If a person chooses to date
multiple partners, then that person should be prepared to have short-term,
instant gratification when they are dating. Because there is no commitment of a
relationship, the person understands that they are “living in the moment”, and
over time, both parties could decide to move on.
In contrast, if a person is looking for a potential
relationship, then that person should limit the amount of people to date, as they
want to find the right match. Sometimes, this may take a person dating more
people than they would like to find that person. In order for the committed dater to develop a
relationship, the committed dater is to find the match, so that a healthy,
romantic relationship develops.
However, one should be advised that relationships take many sacrifices
to become successful to thrive.
There are times where I wonder what the objectives are
of people, who do not value the meaning of a committed relationship. The idea
of a committed relationship should consist of a couple to have trust, to have
fidelity, and of course, to have love. However, there are some relationships
that do not subscribe to commitment. Although some people claim to be in
committed relationships, they cannot classify it as such, if there is no commitment.
Recently, I had a conversation with my oldest brother
(technically a half-brother), about how he was doing in his life. My brother is
in a relationship, and has two children with his girlfriend. Although he is
currently unemployed, he is doing fine; while he collects unemployment
benefits, his girlfriend has a career working with law enforcement. However, my brother stated that he feels that
he has the freedom to talk to, date, and even be intimate with other women.
Before my brother “settled down” he claimed to have been with copious amounts
of women, and I have no reason to doubt him. I have met some of his many “girlfriends”
in the past during the holidays. My brother claims that because he is not married,
he should have the freedom to look and “order off the menu”, as in to date
other women. When my brother was a younger man, he dated many women, despite
not having the best car, and living in an less-than-appealing apartment complex;
although having a career as truck driver at the time, my brother was not living
an affluent lifestyle. However, by brother
did have aspirations to have a career in the NBA, and he even played a stint in
a NBA Development league for a few years.
My brother used his athletic talents, along with his confidence, swagger,
and charisma to date many women. In fact, my brother always wished he had the
opportunity to play in the NBA, and if he had gotten his shot (no pun intended),
then he would have had a plethora of women to date.
My brother has his viewpoint of relationships in which I
do not agree with. Whether or not my brother actually goes through and dates
other women is his decision. However, my argument that I made with him and my
main thoughts on this topic is that you should choose to either be in a
committed relationship OR choose to date. The problem with relationships is
that some people feel that they want to have their cake and eat it too such as
my brother. It does not do any justice to hurt the other person by cheating on
them. If a person wants to date other people, then that is fine. If a person is
not happy in their current relationship, then the pragmatic solution is to
either correct the issues in the relationship or to terminate the relationship.
Consequently, the solution to a bad relationship should
not EVER be to cheat, because how can a person go back to the person they
cheated on, and pretend to still want to be in a committed relationship? A committed relationship should be just that:
committed, and this also applies to open relationships. If two people want to
see other people and still date, then that is fine, but it should not be
classified as an open relationship. No matter what the situation is, people
should always be clear what they want, so no one will get hurt in the future.
PhD of psychology, Betty W. Phillips has a website titled; Do You Listen to Your Spouse? She then evaluate the person who answers this title question with a; “sometimes” or “no” to the fact that there marriage may be in trouble. In this post I want talk to you about a number of key principles regarding the listening skill and explain some major functions of listening.
In studying the skill of listening, I discovered that different situations require a specific type of listening. We may listen to obtain information, improve a relationship, gain appreciation for something, make discriminations, or engage in a critical evaluation. While certain skills are basic and necessary for all types of listening (receiving, attending, and understanding), each type requires some special skills. Those special skills present guidelines to improve listening behavior in all situations. Before we can fully appreciate the skills and apply the guidelines, we must understand the different types of listening. There are four different types, which are; are informative, relationships, appreciative, critical and discriminative listening. Informative is more for lecture or instructional listening. Appreciative listening would be normal for enjoyment such as listening to music. Critical listening requires careful judgment about the expertness and trustworthiness of the speaker. Discriminative listening is listening in order to differentiate sounds in the environment and speech sounds. Know which function of listing to use so that you may listen correctly
Relationship-listening is the listening type that most marriages implement. The purpose of relationship-listening is either to help an individual or to improve the relationship between people. Therapeutic listening is a special type of relationship listening. Therapeutic listening brings to mind situations where counselors, medical personnel, or other professionals allow a troubled person to talk through a problem. But it can also be used when you listen to a friend or spouse and allow them to “get things off their chests.” Although relationship-listening requires you to listen for information, the emphasis is on understanding the other person. According to communication experts at Air University there are three behaviors which are key to effective relationship listening; attending, supporting, and empathizing.
While studying the listening skill within marriage, I recalled some interesting information from personal experience. During the seven weeks of completing pre-marital counseling with my wife, we went over a chapter in our book titled “communication”. We were counseled with the supplementary material by H. Norman Wright & Wes Roberts “Before You Say “I Do”. In the chapter on communication, we were requested to give our own definition of listening. I forgot my spoken response, but the book defines it as “complete acceptance without judgment of what is said or how it is said” (Wright, Roberts61) They go further to explain that this is an acceptance that doesn’t necessarily mean agree but rather “understanding that what the other person is saying is something he/she feels” These authors considers the conversations of couples as “dialogues of the deaf” when they are formulating their responses while trying to listen. This is so easy to fall into. Stop hearing and Listen Up!
Alder, Ronald. Interplay - the process of communication. 11. New York: Oxford University Press, 2010. Print.
Before most men pursue any women in a relationship, their hidden motives and goals are already in place. This is the same for most women as well. This could be good for the other person if they have the same goals in mind. There are many Great Reasons People Date. Very few people unconsciously engage in one-night-stands or stumble onto the church alter to repeat some vows. The average couples normally have goals in mind before dating. These goals may change as the relationship progress, but they are normally present at the start of a relationship.
Dating someone with the goal in mind to marry them is called courting. The Courting process involves principles and guidelines which the man and women follow to protect them against sexual temptations and more. Dating someone without the goal to marry them is considered casual dating, or as I call "dating to date". This dating process lacks principles or guidelines for the man and woman to follow. Sexual intimacy is normally permitted. There’s a big difference in the two types of dating relationships.
It’s important for you to decide on whether you’re dating versus courting. Coming to a mutual understanding and agreement with each other can help decrease many uncertainties. This is important groundwork for your relationship. A clear and concise objective serves well in any new or progressing relationship.
I believe it’s safe to say “everything in life seems fairly manageable”. Through classes we learn to manage our finances and other things we’re responsible for. We learn how to take care of our pets, our dwelling places and everything else. My question is “how much time do we spend managing and maintaining the relationships with those that we hold closest to our hearts?” Sometimes when we face troubles with our finances, the original issue isn’t that our income is low it may be that we spend too freely on things that we don’t need. My point here is that the problem and the solution begins with us. I know this is a hard pill to swallow, but take the challenge. I’ve been in relationships that have ended due to the other persons neglect, but when I looked back and analyzed the situation I seen errors that were made on my behalf. They may have not been the main issue which caused separation but they definitely contributed to the demise of the relationship.No one is innocent when it comes to divorce or any other issue or situation that may arise in life.
I feel that there are things we can work on and know that we are still progressing. There is always room to grow and mature. At times we may place ourselves in a mental stand-still state which is equivalent to being brain dead. It’s a stubbornness that can cause us to become self-absorbed with no space available to obtain new information for growth. This can be the reason you may find some individuals who live their lives like they know everything there is under the sun and nothing else can be learned or taught to them. If a person has this mentality in a marriage, they can’t learn their spouse.
We as humans can never learn everything there is to be learned. In marriage a husband may seek to understand his wife but he can never attain all knowledge concerning his wife. There’s a lack of consistency in all relationships; the way we react at one moment may be drastically different the next time. I found myself placing expectations on my wife because of things that I knew about her, I thought she’d never change but over time I’ve learned that Ihave to continue learning her. I have to keep updating my brain to handle new changes that may occur.
If you are facing any type of problems in your marriage; whether that’s finances, addictions, cheating, lying, or other issues then there is more to be learned and practiced. Some things that can be vital and recurring are learning and experiencing healing for yourself or learning and experiencing forgiveness for each other.Every issue or challenge that I have faced in my marriage has been used as an opportunity to learn and grow.My wife and I are constantly learning how to communicate with one another. We have experienced the feeling of confusion in the way that we communicate verbally and nonverbally with each other. The learning process begins here. It can be quite frustrating at times, but just as we take time with working out the frustrations of learning our favorite hobbies, we should continue learning our spouse.
The meaning of relationships does not have the same stigma these days. On average, relationships last about five years, and marriages last slightly longer of about 7 years. The reason could be that either people have more options of who to date, people are more technologically savvy in the digital age, or it could be a combination of both. One thing is certain: the meaning of relationships has all but been redefined in our culture.
Relationships have lost value over the past 30 years. What relationships should be based on are trust, compromise, intimacy, and fidelity. Whatever issues that do occur in relationships should be worked out and resolved as soon as possible. Although relationships are not always perfect, an imperfect relationship can function perfectly when the couple invests time to make the relationship work. However, there are people who opt not to invest time in developing a healthy relationship. In other words, many people get into relationships (and get married for that matter), for the wrong reasons (i.e. sex, money, popularity, and pressure from family or friends). Consequently, those relationships do not last for very long. Many people get into relationships to fulfill specific needs at the time. For instance, a man may get into a relationship with a woman not necessarily because he loves the woman, but because a man feels he has the obligation to be with a woman that he’s not necessarily really attracted to. Moreover, a woman also may feel the obligation to date and get into a relationship with a man because she is lonely, she wants some attention, or perhaps, she wants to prevent other women from “stealing” her man, if he’s financially stable. One thing that is common in both instances is that the relationship is not based on the values that identify a healthy relationship. Communication is critical in these situations because if the intent of both persons in the couple is not congruent, then there is a chance that one person could be hurt in the future.
In this present day, the concept of a relationship has become redefined. Some people subscribe to the idea of a relationship based on being with someone for an extended period of time that doesn’t lead to marriage. Although some relationships do turn into marriages, most of them last about as long as a good t.v. sitcom. The similarity is that when a relationship is over, it is classified as having a “good run” as a sitcom. In other words, when the dust settles and two people want a change, they choose to move on. These types of relationships are more common with younger people who are in their adolescent and early adulthood years. The trend leads to relationships established in high school and in college to last until one or both people in the relationship graduate (especially in high school). In addition, when a couple is young, then there is a strong possibility that one or both persons commit infidelity (aka. “cheating”) in the relationship. Despite the condemnation of infidelity, many people understand that some people just need more options. If that is the case, then it is more convenient to date rather than commit to a relationship that a person might not be ready for.
The world of dating can be a great experience, or it can be a daunting task for a man. The process of dating is tough, because it is about a man finding the right match for him. For a man, this leads to his prospecting many women candidates that attracts him (i.e. looks, personality, and common interests and hobbies). For a woman, she ultimately decides if she wants to date the man, if she has the same interest as well. When a man does succeed in getting a date, he should make sure to practice proper date etiquette; his mind should be focused on the date, and not on other distractions, such as a cell phone. He should engage in the conversation, and make the date fun and worthwhile for the woman.
Although the process of achieving the goal of acquiring a date is at times challenging, men have the opportunity to learn the essential keys to dating. This means that a man should have the confidence to approach a woman, to start a light conversation, to close the conversation with her contact information, and to not worry about rejection. It is natural to be shy, and I am not going to chide away from that. As a man, I too have struggles with approaching women, and like most men, being rejected hurts. However, a man should realize, (with myself included), that with great risks come great rewards, and that is the mindset a man should have in dating.
